It’s like being stuffed in the shadow of the clouds… I lie beside Luca thinking of everything. Not the greatest use of my nighttime. Not the worst migraine attack: on a scale of 1 to 10, this one just registers at 3. But the symptoms are all there: I’m dizzy, have insomnia and I’m also nauseated. The headache is pulsating in my left ear. The song is on repeat and I can’t turn it off. I’m a bit off-center and the breath won’t stay with me. Who remembers how to be mindful in the midst of it all?
I would like to be better at asking for help. I’m always stuck on the assumption that help, if given, will not be given in the form that is needed. Everyone is competing for air time with Luca. I’m all but forgotten. Luca wants me 24/7. She’s at a stage where even Daddy is a bit off. She tolerates him, but Mommy should be around. All this is normal, expected, and budgeted for in my research/parental leave. But I want her to have a good relationship with her grandparents. It’s probably too early.
They’re pushing the stroller. Luca is asleep. I write a paragraph. One hour passes. I ask them how they are. Luca wakes up and wants me. I go nurse her, change her, pass her back. I write a sentence. They call me: “Luca wants you”. I take two minutes to turn off the computer and pick up the printout from the printer. When I arrive, Luca is held like a leaky package: she’s vomiting because she’s crying too hard. It looks as though I’m the only one who can comfort her. In her grandfather’s arms, Luca occupies the atomic baby position.
Attachment parenting 101: let me do the baby caring. If you want to help, take care of me: make food for me, take care of the house. I hear you: time is precious and spending it with Luca is the reward for all the hard work you’ve been doing. But hear me out, too: Luca needs me and seeing her vomit from stress-crying is killing me!
Doubt is still clouding my judgment: am I doing the right thing being tied to my daughter all the time? Others have figured out ways of having their infants in nursery, as they call it in the UK. For us, even grandparents are too much. Luca-and-I are one unit; we will be disentangled. Later. Now is the time for night-long cuddles and day-long hand holding while writing my papers. She isn’t exclusively mine, but I am exclusively hers. For now this is how it should be. Intuitive parenting 101: do what feels right for you in the moment. Your gut knows best: Luca is a great writing partner!